


I Believe you had Liked Me for My Own Sake

by BlackandBlueMagpie



Series: Don't Call Me Brave [8]
Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-13
Updated: 2013-08-13
Packaged: 2017-12-23 09:25:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/924689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackandBlueMagpie/pseuds/BlackandBlueMagpie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They're playing truth or dare.<br/>Well, that's what it started out as, but it's turned more into truth or truth now, because no one can be bothered to think up dares except Courfeyrac, and he's banned.</p><p>"Guys!" Jehan’s voice is raised "This is meant to be a fun night and you two are ruining it with your petty fight. If you're not going to shut up you should leave. Both of you." His voice is dangerous, despite the continued relaxed position. "Alright?"<br/>"You gonna put us on the naughty step?"<br/>"Don't tempt me." Jehan smiles serenely, but there's something in his eyes that says he's not joking and Grantaire shuts his mouth and steals the bottle Feuilly's holding. "Just in case, Bahorel, Feuilly, where's the best place?"<br/>"Fire escape." They say in unison.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Believe you had Liked Me for My Own Sake

They're playing truth or dare.  
Well, that's what it started out as, but it's turned more into truth or truth now, because no one can be bothered to think up dares except Courfeyrac, and he's banned since that one time...  
He's curled up in the armchair with Jehan, who's sitting sideways across him, braid flowing over one arm while his legs draped over the other.   
"Go on then, when did you have your first boyfriend?" Bahorel asks with a grin, teeth clamped around the cigarette he's just stolen from Feuilly. Jehan wiggles the spoon in his mouth as he thinks.  
"When? I was 18."  
"Really?"  
"I'd had flings before, but he was my first proper boyfriend. We'd known each other since high school but didn't get together until after. I used to go round to the garage where he worked and we'd mess around, taught me a lot too."  
"What was his name?" Bahorel asks.  
"I wasn't asked that." Jehan grins, holding the spoon in his mouth again  
"But you can't just leave us there!" Cosette whines.  
"Fine, fine. We broke up after 6 months, on good terms. We're still in touch."  
"We asked his name."  
"Montparnasse." Jehan tips his head back over the arm of the chair, Eponine frowns.  
"You're kidding me." Eponine laughs eventually.  
"You guys know him?" He glances back up.  
"Dated." Eponine raises her hand.  
"Brief... Fling..?" Grantaire also raises his hand, somewhat reluctantly.   
"Well that's... Unexpected. You never mentioned him." Jehan glances up at Eponine.   
"Never came up." She shrugs. Enjolras is giving him a look that Grantaire can't see, but everyone else can and there's some kind of mix of discomfort at the role reversal and amusement at the revelation of a three times shared boy. Feuilly nudges Grantaire in jest.  
"Never told us you had a biker guy."   
"Or that you and Ep shared him." Bahorel grins.  
"We didn't go out at the same time! Besides I never actually dated him, it was just casual sex."  
"What's the idea of casual sex, it's seems pointless." Enjolras mutters.  
"Well, Apollo, it might surprise you but some people enjoy sex as an act because some people aren't machines, maybe you should try it, might help you loosen up." Grantaire grins, the action turning up the corner of his mouth in a look that’s neither light nor friendly.  
"Guys..."   
"I'm sorry some of us put more emotion into things than others, but some of us think sex should be more special."  
"Who says casual sex isn't special."  
"Guys!" Jehan’s voice is raised "This is meant to be a fun night and you two are ruining it with your petty fight. If you're not going to shut up you should leave. Both of you." His voice is dangerous, despite the continued relaxed position. "Alright?"  
"You gonna put us on the naughty step?"  
"Don't tempt me." Jehan smiles serenely, but there's something in his eyes that says he's not joking and Grantaire shuts his mouth and steals the bottle Feuilly's holding. "Just in case, Bahorel, Feuilly, where's the best place?"  
"Fire escape." They say in unison.  
"There you go. You will end up there." Enjolras looks like he might argue back but Combeferre shoves a drink into his hands.   
"It's Courf's turn."  
"Weirdest place you've had sex, because knowing you it will be good." Bossuet raises his bottle in the general direction of Courf who chews his lip.  
"Honestly? Probably a rowing boat."  
"How the hell did that come about?"  
"Met a girl at a bar, went back to hers and, well turns out she lives on a barge which was odd... And she didn't want to wake her parents so..."  
"You did it in a boat?" Enjolras raises an eyebrow "That must have been interesting."  
"Oh it was." Courfeyrac grins "But not the most comfortable sex I've ever had." Grantaire's staring at Enjolras again, in some kind of shock as his silence rolls on through laughter. Feuilly takes the opportunity to steal his drink back.  
"So it's okay for you to hassle me about a fling but not say anything about Courfeyrac's one night stand? That's a double standard and a half."  
"Like you're one to talk about double standards-"  
"Out." Jehan says, pointing his finger "Both of you get out."   
"But-"  
"Out." He sits up now and grabs them both as he passes, ignoring their protests. They’re too shocked to try and free themselves as he pushes them out onto the fire escape and slams the window behind them "I don't care who started this or who said what, alright? You are both wrong here and you two need to sort it out because no one in there wants to have to deal with it anymore. No one wants to tip toe around or worry about seeming to choose sides because we are your friends. And we want you to be happy, and I know this isn't making either of you feel any better. So sort it out. You're not coming back in until you do."  
"Can I at least have a drink?" Grantaire raises an eyebrow.  
"Oh yes, because you always have to have a drink don't you Grantaire?" Enjolras mutters "Can't survive without it." Grantaire's hand curls into a fist and his eyes darken visibly.  
"Enjolras." Jehan warns. "That's not sorting this out. Grantaire go get yourself a drink." Grantaire forces a grin and a thanks and swings back into the flat. "Listen Enjolras I know you don't understand the concept of vice but Grantaire does have a problem, you must realise that."  
"Why do you encourage him then?"  
"Because I needed to talk to you first."  
"I just don't understand why he does all that stuff..."  
"What the flings?"  
"Surely it's just setting him up for hurt." Jehan leans against the railing, folding his arms.  
"That's what you're worried about?”  
"I've seen Courf's one night stands; I know what they're like but Grantaire... He seems he might get too involved.  
"People have sex for all sorts of reasons, not just for love. Courf has sex for pleasure, I know that, but he also has sex to show love. I daresay many of your friends do the same. Some people have sex to escape, they distract themselves from whatever may be hassling them."  
"Have you ever done that?"  
"All the time. My point is those factors don't make the sex Courf and I have now any less important or loving. Grantaire may end up getting hurt yes, but he knows what he's doing and he doesn't need you policing it because he doesn't know why you are. So it just looks like you're hassling him for no reason other than because it's him. You need to start explaining things to him."  
"This isn't going to have to be all serious is it?" Grantaire pokes his head back through the window "Because I came to this party to have fun."  
"Talk, okay?" Jehan ducks out and leaves them.  
"I brought you a drink." Grantaire holds out a bottle "Couldn't find a glass I'm afraid..."  
"That's fine. Sorry I... I said that stuff. You're right; I do need to loosen up."  
"Are you propositioning me?" Grantaire's face is deadly serious and Enjolras stammers before he bursts out laughing "I'm kidding Apollo. You wouldn't want sex with me." Enjolras watches his face as he says the words and there's something in his eyes that he thinks maybe he's missed before. A dark, sad glint as he stares across to the fire escape railing.  
"How'd you know?" Enjolras whispers.  
"Because it's you. And it's me. And we can't even be in the same room without arguing and I'm surprised you haven't hit me."  
"I might, if you carry on being so self-demeaning."  
"Huh." Grantaire swigs from his bottle. "We could escape you know."  
"I don't want to."   
"Really?" Grantaire does actually look surprised "You want to stay up here in the cold with me for company. You're slipping."  
"You're more interesting than you think you are."  
"Nah, I'm just stubborn."  
"It is your worst trait..." Grantaire laughs.  
"You're as stubborn as me; maybe that's why we butt heads so often."  
"I think it's because I don't know how to handle you. Or how to show how I feel..." Enjolras glances across and Grantaire is staring at him and for a moment everything stops.  
"Nonono no. I am not kissing you again." Grantaire pushes himself up "I don't care how drunk I am, I'm not doing that again." Enjolras can't see his face so he stares down at his drink instead.  
"Why don't you believe me when I say I like you?"  
"Because I can't understand how you could like me." Grantaire murmurs quietly and sniffs. "You don't understand how this works, Enjolras. How someone can get to the point where they believe nothing, not even in themselves but... It's remarkably easy to get into; you just can't get out of it. I learnt not to expect anything from my family, then my friends and then it spread. I used to think things could be good and then I lost someone and everything was very very dark and I couldn't find any light to cling onto. I even stopped believing in the one strong point in my life, which was art. You see you just don't think anything will come of anything and when I fell for you I knew you wouldn't ever feel the same way, so I resigned myself to only getting attention through arguing. Then suddenly you turn around with this and I can't even... Suddenly I can't believe in you either." He sounds like he might be crying and Enjolras doesn't know what to do because he's not Combeferre the listener or Courfeyrac with a spare key or Jehan with words to help and heal. "I need something stronger than this."  
Grantaire turns and goes to walk past him, Enjolras grabs his wrist as he passes and Grantaire doesn't even flinch.  
"You're stronger than that."  
"No. I'm not."  
"Then let me help you be. You once said you believe in me so why won't you believe me when I tell you-"  
"Just because I believe in you doesn't mean I believe a word you say. I thought you understood that. Especially not anything you say about me."  
"You seemed to believe the bad things I had to say."  
"That's because you spoke the truth, the hurtful truth yes. But we both know you meant it. Which is why I can't believe-"  
"I said what I said because I was annoyed at you, you were frustrating me and I was caught up in everything. I shouldn't have ever said them because I certainly don't believe what I said."  
"That's got to be a first." Grantaire mutters.  
"Can you sit down; I mean Jehan probably won't let you in anyway so... Please stay?" Grantaire pauses, scrubs a hand over his face and sighs. "Please?" He pulls on Grantaire's sleeve and this time the other winces. "I'm sorry did I-"  
"Nah, it's nothing." Grantaire settles next to him "I don't think you broke the skin, just caught me by surprise."  
"Broke the..."  
"Listen Apollo, things happen. Leave it there." Grantaire sips his drink. Enjolras reaches across to take his arm "I said leave it."  
"Fine." Enjolras takes a gulp of his own drink and pulls a face at the taste of whatever it is. "If you're not going to tell me anything I'll talk instead. I want to stop hurting you, I want you to be happy and... I want to try and help you toward that. I know you're going to scoff at that but it's true."  
"You can't help me, you need to understand that or we will never be able to get on. I'm not a cause for you to help or something for you to fix so stop looking at me like I am. There's this look in your eyes that you get..."  
"I don't think you need fixing."  
"Really? You don't want to change my cynicism or my pessimism or any of that?"  
"I want to change how you think about yourself." Enjolras admits "Because you can't see yourself. When you do something you love you get this... You're so passionate and happy but you try to rein that in. You shouldn't, it's beautiful."  
"Huh."  
"Okay, I worry about you. I miss you when you're not in meetings, your arguing... Makes my arguments stronger. You help the cause more than you know. I'm glad you're there. I'm glad you can make people laugh and help people like Jehan and Courf sort out their problems when you have your own. I have an ache, here." He presses his fingers against his chest "Because of you, and I don't know where it came from..."   
"I have that ache too." Grantaire rubs his arm.  
"Then why are we still arguing about this?"  
"Because that's what we do. We argue."  
"Do we have to argue about us?" Enjolras aks.  
"Because it wouldn't work."  
"Can't we try?"  
"I don't want to end up hating you." Grantaire whispers.   
"I don't think that's going to happen."  
"You seem very sure of that."   
"We're going round in circles." Enjolras sets down his drink "Grantaire I think we could do this, I know it might not be easy and I know it is a little out of the blue but we both like each other and it's got to be better than what we're doing right now. I don't want to make our friends uncomfortable anymore and I don't want this snide bickering either."  
"We can't turn it around that quickly."  
"Let’s try."   
"You... You're being so unfair Enjolras. Because I think you- I know you know how much- But it hurts. It hurts so fucking much..." His fingers clench around the material of his shirt and knuckle against his heart. "I don't think you understand that..."  
Grantaire glanced around to Enjolras. His face was framed in the soft light of the window and there was something in his blue eyes Grantaire didn't recognise. There wasn't any of the disdain he’d grown so used to, the very emotion that brought Enjolras's attention to him and it was foreign and his hands shook against his knee.   
"Because I expect you to... You always used to never give me attention unless I was arguing then suddenly this happens... I don't understand." He confesses finally. Enjolras stands up; crouching so he's directly in front of Grantaire and he can't look away from bottomless eyes whose colour is nearer midnight in this light.  
"Kissing you wasn't a mistake. This isn't a mistake."  
"How do you know?! Because you're this idealist who has no concept of things going wrong and you just-"   
"Because I have feelings Grantaire, for you and I sure as hell know you like me too and I know it's a risk but isn't every relationship?"  
"Not like ours." Grantaire murmurs and it's soft and the bitter, panicky edge has gone even if his eyes are still wide and haunted. His fingers drum against his knee in shaky, jerky movements that create an erratic tapping sound. Enjolras's fingers move slowly to still them, resting against the pulse point on the underside of his wrist. His hand is warm against Grantaire's perpetually cold skin and it burns to the touch but he doesn't pull away.   
"Please." Is all Enjolras says and Grantaire looks up to meet his eyes and then back down to their hands. They're both still; the only sounds their breathing and the snippets of conversation that flow out over the top of Love of the Common People. Bossuet’s laugh rings out over it all then Bahorel's exclamation of 'you have tattoos?!', 'Yes he does." Courfeyrac sounds like he's grinning and Jehan rolls up his jumper to reveal the pattern of watercolours across his hip bones, curling up slightly toward his ribs. 'I'm jealous' Feuilly mutters, studying them.   
Then, slowly, Grantaire’s fingers shift to entwine with Enjolras's and he lets out a shaky sigh.   
"We should get back, you must be cold." He says eventually, though it's to fill the space rather than an actual suggestions, the silence between them still uncomfortable though Enjolras's hand is warm in his own.  
"We don't have to, we could escape like you suggested earlier." Enjolras smiles and the edges of Grantaire's lips turn up slightly as well in amusement.  
"Then people would talk. And I don't think I can deal with Courfeyrac 'talking'." He's only half joking but Enjolras laughs under his breath anyway.   
"Come on then, we won't say anything, not until we- Well, we'll see."  
"Yeah." Grantaire nods, presses his lips together and nods again. He takes a swig of his beer, pushes a hand through his hair and pushes himself up. "Let’s go."   
Grantaire shoves up the window, leaving Enjolras stunned for a moment. He watches Grantaire swing into the room and pacify Jehan with a couple of words then bat off Bahorel's leer. His face has morphed, instantly, from the fearful wide eyes of the Grantaire on the fire escape to the Grantaire he knows from meetings. The grinning, laughing, sarcastic Grantaire making jokes about being tempted to throw Enjolras over the railing. And Enjolras wonders how many times he's missed that change, how many times he's missed things about Grantaire, how many looks, how many flashes of emotion, and how many hurts hidden under comments dripping with bitter sarcasm. He presses his ribs again.   
"Are you lost Enjolras?" Combeferre pokes his head of the window, blocking the scene. Enjolras smiles.  
"Not anymore." Combeferre grins at him and offers his hand, pulling him back into the crowd inside. Courfeyrac and Jehan are dancing over by the TV, Jehan going up on tip toes to kiss him. Cosette pulls Marius up a short distance away, laughing as he stammers about 'two left feet'. Combeferre excuses himself and goes over to Eponine, staring seemingly into space, and holds out his hand. Bossuet, Joly and Musichetta have taken up the whole of the sofa, Chetta lying out across the two of them and teasing Joly about his unwillingness to dance with her. Bahorel whoops and tells him he thought Grantaire had actually thrown him off the fire escape in frustration. Grantaire stands next to him and shrugs an excuse, stealing a cigarette from Feuilly, but his eyes never leave Enjolras.  
Enjolras thinks, maybe, it will take a while for him to stop staring at Grantaire too.

**Author's Note:**

> They've finally got their act together!   
> Title from Keats: I love you the more in that I believe you had liked me for my own sake and for nothing else.


End file.
